A Story of Silence, Survival, and Learning to Stand in the Light
I’m going to be sharing some personal stories about how the astrology is moving through my life. These aren’t just abstract planetary movements—they’re real, visceral experiences that are reshaping how I understand myself and my past. You don’t have to know astrology to understand this article. There are some triggering stories in here, but I will put a warning on them.
As a reminder, this is a very vulnerable, triggering, and sensitive piece for me, please be mindful and kind with your comments. Please no comments of… “you should’ve done this, or that”, please. I did what I felt I could handle in that moment. Each person’s healing looks different, and we should not judge what they should or shouldn’t have done, this is not helpful.
Why I’m Sharing This
I don’t always openly share because I feel guilty. Let me first explain that I struggle with being acknowledged sometimes. Being in the light, sharing personal experiences and perspectives if not in a small group, intimidates me. This is me learning! Because deep down I know that there is someone out there who also is either going through the same things or have experienced something similar. So, I know it’s helpful.
If you’re reading this and feeling alone in your healing journey, I want you to know: you’re not. The planets are moving through all of us, inviting us to look at our wounds with new eyes.
Mercury Retrograde in Cancer: The Past Comes Knocking
Tonight I was reflecting, as I have been more so since it’s Mercury Retrograde in Cancer. Memories of the past keep coming back so I can appreciate and look at them from different viewpoints. After all I’m a different person than I was 6 months ago, a year ago, or even 10 years ago!
For those new to astrology: Mercury Retrograde happens when the planet Mercury appears to move backward in the sky from our perspective on Earth. It happens 3-4 times a year, and during these periods, communication, technology, and travel can feel a bit chaotic. But more importantly, Mercury Retrograde is a time for review, reflection, and revisiting the past. When it’s in Cancer—the sign of home, family, memories, and emotions—old feelings and family dynamics tend to surface. It’s not punishment; it’s an invitation to see your story from a new angle.
Jupiter in Leo: Expanding How I See Myself
Jupiter in Leo is working on expanding how I look at myself (I’m ruled by Jupiter because I’m a Pisces rising) so when Jupiter moves into a new sign I feel it!
For those new to astrology: Jupiter is the planet of expansion, growth, and abundance. It’s like a cosmic magnifying glass—whatever it touches, it grows. Leo is the sign of self-expression, creativity, confidence, and the inner child. So when Jupiter moves through Leo, we’re being asked to expand our sense of self, to grow into our own spotlight, and to reconnect with the parts of us that want to shine. For me, with Pisces rising, Jupiter is my chart ruler, so its movements hit me especially hard.
With Jupiter coming into an opposition with Pluto Rx in Aquarius, I’m also looking back on my trauma, as well as how much I’ve healed through those deep dark moments. How I have empowered myself, when I used to feel so vulnerable and weak.
For those new to astrology: An opposition is when two planets are on opposite sides of the zodiac, creating tension and a push-pull dynamic. Pluto is the planet of transformation, death, and rebirth—it digs up the darkest parts of our psyche so we can heal and rebuild. In Aquarius, Pluto is asking us to transform how we connect with others, how we express our individuality, and how we heal collectively. This opposition is highlighting the contrast between who I’ve been (the victim of my past) and who I’m becoming (someone who has reclaimed her power), while also sharing these vulnerable stories in hopes to help others who might be moving through something similar.
A Story of Taking My Power Back
(SA trigger warning)
When I was 11, just starting to develop and go through puberty, I was sexually molested by my uncle in my grandparents’ home while sleeping and spending the night, one night. I was so scared and frozen inside, I had watched enough movies that in my young mind, if I screamed, yelled or fought back, I would be beaten and die.
A few days later, I told my parents what happened that night, it took a lot of tears, bravery, and strength to get it out. I was told to not say anything to anyone, that it would be “handled.” That if I did talk about what happened to anyone else, it would disrupt the family and cause chaos. That I would have people who didn’t believe me and that would be even more difficult to go through.
Months later, I ended up telling my grandmother and she said the same thing. She hushed me and told me not to say anything, that she was sure he was confused and didn’t mean it.
This made me feel so alone, like no one understood the turmoil I was feeling inside, the fear I was feeling daily, the isolation. I blamed the WHOLE incident on myself. If I was not like this, or if I was not like that, then it would have never happened. Not to mention the chaos I was feeling inside, especially when we had to go to “family” events and act like everything was fine.
To act like I wasn’t having anxiety attacks. Like my heart wasn’t ready to explode out of my chest due to my increased heart rate, anytime I had to “act or perform” like everything was fine. Getting sick to my stomach, hiding outside, or in other rooms because I was feeling so uneasy being around him. My body and mind was saying danger, danger, and meanwhile I had to ignore it. I had to silence my own emotions and needs, for “my family’s.”
This went on for YEARS! Family cookouts, holidays, special moments like weddings, births, etc. Always silencing myself. I was beginning to feel detached from everything and everyone. This did not help with the social anxiety I already felt.
The Turning Point
Several years later, and shortly after my daughter was born, I got massively triggered by him at one of the family outings at my dad’s house. Lots of family members were there that day—Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Family Friends. I ended up escaping with my daughter in the bathroom and completely broke down. Hyperventilating, telling myself that I was such a coward, questioning why I have dealt with this for so long.
I vowed that day, that I wasn’t going to appease everyone. That my job as a parent was to protect my daughter, and to be the protection I needed as a child.
I left that family gathering quickly, after I collected myself in that bathroom with my newfound vow to myself and my daughter. Later that week I told my parents, that I was no longer going to keep silent, that I was going to be the adult I needed all those years ago, that I was going to protect my daughter from ever having to go through something like this, that we will never see my uncle’s face again! Even if that meant, never having to see them again.
In my heart this was not about blame. This was about taking control back and about taking my power back.
A few weeks later after I spoke to my parents and told them my boundaries, I called up this uncle and did what I had only dreamed of doing. I CONFRONTED HIM!
I was shaking, my voice was shaking. My body was numb; I can feel the electric energy coursing through me. It was like I was portaled back to that same scared little kid again. Only this time, I didn’t freeze. I SPOKE WITH CONFIDENCE; I SPOKE WITH AUTHORITY!
I told him that all these years I was told to ignore how I felt. That I still remember, like it was yesterday what he did to me. That I had nightmares that plagued me still to this day. That it had interfered with how intimate I could be with my husband. That I am not that same little girl, I am now someone who will f*&ck him up, if he ever comes near me or my children!
I told him, that I know he will still go to family outings, that I know he will still go over my dad’s, but that he needed to ask to go before he just shows up, to make sure I was not going to be there. That if we do come face to face again, I will make sure everyone knows, because I was not going to hold back anymore. Those days were over!
To this day, I look back on that conversation, and I am in awe of the person I grew into. From that very timid little girl, into a fierce woman who will do anything to protect her young. I may not have found this gift until I had my daughter, but I am so glad she came through!
Jupiter in Leo Opposing Pluto Rx: The Astrology of Empowerment
Needless to say, with Jupiter in Leo coming into that opposition with Pluto Rx, I’m learning to accept myself from a different perspective which is so refreshing!
I also think Mars/Uranus is helping with this too! It’s sextile to Jupiter in Leo as well. Plus, this energy is part of my Uranus opposite Uranus.
For those new to astrology: A sextile is a harmonious aspect between planets, creating opportunities for growth and flow. Mars is the planet of action, courage, and assertion. Uranus is the planet of rebellion, freedom, and breakthroughs—it shatters old patterns (mental and emotional) so we can liberate and free ourselves. When Mars and Uranus work together, we find the courage to break free from what’s been holding us back.
I have grown through so much, and I am proud of myself for taking my power back! Of taking control of something that felt like for many years, was out of my control.
Capricorn Sun: The Weight of Expectations
As a Capricorn Sun I am extremely hard on myself and the expectations I place on myself. I’ve learned over time to silence and degrade myself and look down on myself for the flaws I didn’t like. It has been a long process of healing those flaws, of taking my power back, of realizing that my expectations of myself are extremely high and often times unattainable.
For those new to astrology: Your Sun sign represents your core identity, your ego, and your life purpose. Capricorn is the sign of discipline, responsibility, ambition, and often, harsh self-judgment. Capricorns hold themselves to impossibly high standards and can be their own worst critics.
However recently, Jupiter in Leo is saying it’s ok to be who you are in this very moment. You are a constantly changing and evolving being. If you can’t love and appreciate yourself on a deeper level, then at least appreciate the journey of your transformation! Look at how far you’ve come! Stand in awe of what you have accomplished and how you have changed. This is exactly what I am moving through!
Chiron in Taurus: Healing the Body and Self-Worth
This is also where Chiron in Taurus comes in. Chiron just entered into Taurus to give us a 3-month review of what kind of things will be coming up for us. It will then dip back into Aries in retrogradation, until it fully enters Taurus next year.
For those new to astrology: Chiron is known as the “Wounded Healer” in astrology. It represents our deepest wounds—the ones that feel irreparable—but also holds the key to our greatest healing. Where Chiron sits in your chart shows where you’ve been hurt, and also where you have the potential to become a healer for others. Taurus is the sign of the body, resources, self-worth, and what we value.
Taurus is where my natal Chiron is as well, conjunct my Moon (emotions, body).
My Story with Chiron in Taurus
(Domestic Violence/Eating Disorder trigger warning)
My whole life I have struggled with my body image. I’ve had undiagnosed eating disorders that I have adapted since childhood.
I often went without when I was young. I remember eating moldy bread just to keep the hunger pains away.
My childhood was very intense. My parents physically fought most nights. They were very violent with one another, cops would often get called. My dad learned the first thing he should damage would be the phone, so no one could call. But it wasn’t just my dad, it was also my mom. She had a temper and would instigate these arguments too. They would hit, choke, dropkick each other until one of them couldn’t any longer. It was awful!
I always felt alone (I was an only child), but in a way I was glad I was, because I wouldn’t wish any other kid to have to witness or go through what I did. I lived in a rural area, so no neighbors I could run to, only the vast open fields or woods. That became my sanctuary, a place I could escape, where I could imagine, where the birds, trees, and animals where my family, much like snow white, haha. To this day, it is where I find true peace. Being in nature and the forest helps me regulate when life feels overwhelming.
As a child, we got evicted a lot, moved schools monthly, bills wouldn’t be paid, electric would be cut off, no food. Lots of their arguments were over money, Taurus themes.
Hence my natal Taurus Chiron/conjunct the Moon. My eating disorder started very young because we had none. Then when we did get food, I wanted to fill myself because I didn’t know when the next meal would be. It led to an awful yo-yo experience of having food and not having food. My body could never adapt.
This continued my whole life. Even when I was an adult, I have adapted these behaviors since I was very young. It’s all I have ever known, so it’s been incredibly hard to break. Sometimes I would hinder myself from eating altogether, other times I would overeat and binge. I could not find a healthy eating pattern.
A New Relationship with My Body
However recently, I have been growing through an empowering stage. Instead of condemning myself to be skinny, or look a certain way, I have adapted a new healthier mindset around my body image, and it feels so freeing!
I am currently 44, going through perimenopause, where I am starting to notice changes in my body. I don’t want to be unhealthy; I want to age gracefully for longevity purposes. This means I am lifting heavy weights to keep what muscles I have (we lose our muscles at a faster rate as we age), to grow stronger than ever before, so I can stay as active as I can throughout these years of my body changing.
Now, I am learning to eating enough protein to help sustain my body through this growth. There have been times in my life where I would end up in the hospital due to malnutrition, because I wasn’t eating enough, I wasn’t getting the nutrition I needed to sustain life, and it was really impacting my health and body! I am learning how to eat, to fuel my body and muscles, for the first time in my entire life.
So, this newfound way of being has completely shifted how I think about food, nutrition, workouts, and how to truly nourish my body!
I want to be healthy for as long as I can, because I know it is my responsibility to do so! I want longevity to travel, to be with my kids for as long as possible, to be independent as I can, without ailments that hinder me. I know it’s never too late to get in better health and adapt these healthy habits! I’m just glad I am starting! I want to be a role model for my kids, so that way when they find themselves in a similar era, they know how to do this for their longevity.
My mindset is not how skinny, small or light I can become… it’s changed, it is now on how strong and healthy I can become! I’ve noticed improvements to my body composition that I haven’t seen in such a long time. I’m probably in better health than I’ve ever been. I am grateful!
The Loss That Changed Everything
What helped change my life, so I can look at my health, as my responsibility? It was through my mother’s experience.
My mother died at a very young age. She had her first massive stroke at 42, where she was put on life support for a while, and I almost lost her. She was completely disabled after that, she couldn’t take care of herself, she had to be put in a nursing home. My life completely changed! She was not the same person I had idolized all these years. I realized where she had put others first and she came last. Where she was stressed and didn’t rest, she pushed herself over the edge, this time too much.
At 52 she had another massive stroke, but it took her life.
Ever since she passed, I have looked at my health differently. It completely changed the projection of my life. I have been on a health journey ever since. I vowed that it is my responsibility if I want to live a long life with my kids. That I need to adapt healthier habits and put myself first. I knew I didn’t want to end up in my mother’s footsteps. That it is not selfish to put myself first; that this is what is needed in order to sustain the longevity I am reaching for.
Natal Saturn and Uranus Oppositions: The Call to Grow
Anyway, these are just a few things that have been working deeply in my life. I’m also in my Saturn opposition Saturn and my Uranus opposition Uranus transits. Together, this helps me take the responsibility to change my life for the better! To free myself from my own outdated shackles!
For those new to astrology: When someone is going through a Saturn opposition, it’s a major milestone that happens around age 14 and again around age 44 and 74. It’s a time of profound responsibility, maturity, and often, major life restructuring. Similarly, Uranus opposite its natal position happens around age 40-44, and it’s a time of radical liberation, breaking free from old constraints, and reclaiming your authenticity. Both of these transits together are asking you to step into the next chapter of your life.
Final Reflections
I’m excited to see this progress! Hope you enjoyed my ramblings, connection to astrology, and looking back on the past.
I am a firm believer that the past helps us move forward. It shows us, what we don’t want for the future, and what to focus on, to heal!
Then again, I am an eclipse baby, meaning I have the south node (of release and letting go) right next to my Sun and Mercury, which means I have to look at the past in order to pick new ways of being and focus on moving forward. My whole life is about letting go in order to grow and transform.
For those new to astrology: The South Node represents our past life patterns, what we’re comfortable with, and what we tend to fall back on. When it’s conjunct your Sun and Mercury, your very identity and communication style are tied to patterns you need to release. You’re being asked to let go of old stories and ways of being, not to forget them, but to use them as a foundation for who you’re becoming.
What This Means for You
If you’re reading this and going through your own healing journey, know this: the transits are supporting you. Whether it’s Mercury Retrograde bringing up old memories, Jupiter expanding your self-awareness, Chiron asking you to heal your relationship with your body, or Saturn and Uranus pushing you to grow and break free—you are exactly where you need to be.
The past doesn’t have to define you. It can inform you. It can teach you. It can show you how far you’ve come.
And sometimes, that’s the most powerful thing of all.
Thank you for reading. If any of this resonated with you, I’d love to hear your story too. We heal together.
PLEASE SHARE IF YOU FIND THIS HELPFUL! Thanks for your Support!
Discover more from Soul Healing Astrology with Amanda
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
